HealthInfo Waitaha Canterbury

Helping your child with anxiety

Te āwhina i tāku tamaiti mānawanawa

You can do a lot to help your anxious tamaiti (child).

Anxious tamariki (children) often have an anxious parent. If you struggle with anxiety, getting help for your own anxiety is a very important first step. It will help you teach your tamaiti to manage their anxiety in a healthy way. Treating their anxiety without addressing your own anxiety first is unlikely to change anything.

It is important to understand how your tamaiti behaves when they are anxious. Different tamariki need different responses.

Anxious tamariki can generally be divided into 2 groups. Some tamariki want constant closeness with a parent when they are anxious. Others become defiant and develop difficult behaviour.

A tamaiti who seeks closeness when they are anxious mostly wants reassurance. It is very instinctive for a parent to provide reassurance. But if you do all the reassuring, your tamaiti will not learn how to soothe themselves. Parents can also get frustrated by this.

Teaching your tamaiti coping strategies is very important. If they can soothe themselves when they are feeling anxious, they will not need to rely on an adult.

Tamariki who become angry, defiant or exhibit difficult behaviours need a different response. It is important to recognise that anxiety is at the heart of this behaviour. But what your tamaiti needs most is kind and consistent discipline. This will teach your tamaiti that you are in charge and can handle the problem that your tamaiti is struggling with.

Consequences and boundaries that are fair and consistent tell your tamaiti that the world is a predictable place that makes sense. Giving them a comforting sense of where they fit in will reduce their anxiety.

Balanced home

Getting the balance right in the home is important for anxious tamariki. Some of the basics of life might be out of balance and need adjusting.

The following areas of life are important for tamariki to thrive:

• getting enough sleep
• consistent parenting
• plenty of physical activity
• healthy eating
• appropriate screen-time
• quality time with parents
• calm parenting with minimal parental conflict
• support to learn to do things for themselves.

Help for different types of anxiety

The following resources may help you help your tamaiti with specific difficulties that could be making them anxious:

• bullying
• earthquakes and other scary events
• perfectionism
• school anxiety
• social anxiety
• separation anxiety

Mindfulness and relaxation

If your tamaiti is struggling with anxiety, you might want to try mindfulness or guided meditation. The following internet-based programmes can help tamariki with anxiety. See below for a video with kids talking about mindfulness.

• Smiling Mind

  A free mindfulness meditation developed especially for young people. It is available as a web-based program or an app. It can help tamariki relax and learn to manage anxious thoughts.

• CALM (Computer Assisted Learning for the Mind)

  This site has mindfulness meditation resources aimed at adults but also beneficial for tamariki. It is provided by the University of Auckland.

Online self-help

Anxiety Canada has online resources for parents to work through with their tamariki. The goal is to provide parents and tamariki with new skills for responding to anxious thoughts in healthier ways. You can work through the material at home with your tamariki. You can also help them work through the anxiety action program.

Helplines

• Youthline, phone 0800-376-633

  Freephone any time or free txt 234 to speak to a counsellor.

• 0800 What's Up, phone 0800‑942‑8787

  Free counselling helpline for tamariki and youth. Call Monday to Friday, 12 noon to 11 pm, weekends 3 pm to 11 pm.

• Parent Help, phone 0800-568-856

  Free parenting helpline to support parents with the challenges of parenting.

  HealthInfo recommends the following videos

• Mindful Aotearoa – Kids explain mindfulness

  A video with kids talking about mindfulness.

  HealthInfo recommends the following pages

• All Right? – Parenting guides

  Guides with practical advice to help your tamariki with all sorts of issues.

• Raising Children Network – Anxiety in children resources

  Information about anxiety in tamariki, including how to recognise it and how to help.

On the next page: Getting help for my child with anxiety

Written by HealthInfo clinical advisers. Last reviewed January 2025.

Sources

Page reference: 538750

Review key: HIAXC-538744