HealthInfo Waitaha Canterbury
Tips for Improving behaviour in tamariki (children)
Ngā tīwhiri whakamahi pai o ngā tamariki
There are several ways you can work to improve the behaviour of your tamaiti (child).
A wee bit of time each day...
This is where the TV and screens go off and you spend some time with your tamaiti, doing something they want to do.
This does not mean spending money! It might be playing with their dolls, figurines, LEGO or trampoline. Your job is to allow them to lead the activity and play along.
It can take a bit of time and practice to enjoy playtime with our tamariki (children). But when we do, it sends some really important messages, such as:
- I enjoy spending time with you.
- I value what you do.
It also means we learn more about our kids, what they love doing and even some of the challenges they are facing.
For fun play ideas head to:
Flip things to the positive
Sometimes when we feel annoyed with our kids, it can be really hard to look for good things to say about them. But saying something positive can be a total game-changer. We all love to hear good things about ourselves.
When behaviour has become a tad challenging, it can be because of a negative cycle...
It is important to remember that our kids do not know any other way because they are still learning.
The trick is to really look for the positive.
- Playing with their siblings – “Hey buddy, you're being really kind to your sister, thank you.”
- Giving you something you have asked for – “Thanks for doing what I asked, high five!”
- Helping you out – “I really appreciate you helping me like this. Thank you.”
Keep it really specific to the positive behaviour and be authentic with it.
Sometimes it really helps to home in on a behaviour you are keen to change.
- If they are getting angry. look for the times when they are being gentle and calm in any situation. “You’re really calm right now, I love that.”
- If they are hitting, look for times when they are not. “You look like you're enjoying the cat/your sister/time with me and you're being really gentle. That is so great.”
Amazingly enough, spending time playing with our kids each day and looking for the positive makes a real difference.
Acknowledge their feelings
Being frustrated, angry, overexcited or disappointed can be the pathway to out-of-control behaviour. Acknowledging the smaller feelings before they escalate can be one way to let them know that you understand. It also tells them you are listening and that their feelings matter. You do not have to fix the problem and sometimes cannot. But it goes a long way towards letting tamariki know they are not alone in their emotions. This can really help them manage them.
Be firm, fair and friendly
Set some household rules. For example, "We are kind to each other" and "We use gentle hands and feet". Talk to your tamariki about what these rules mean.
Be consistent and make sure the consequences for breaking them are appropriate and fair. Stay calm and model how you want your kids to behave.
Be consistent
Caregivers need to work together. If the message is not consistent, it will not work.
Use distraction
If your child's behaviour is annoying you or getting worse, try distracting their attention away. Perhaps they are bored or need a calmer activity. Keep them close by you and increase the positive attention you give them for helping and being calm.
Teach your child what to do
Talk to your tamaiti about challenging times. Say you would like to try something different when times like this happen. Talk about where they might go that is calming for them and what they might do. For example, read a book, jump on the trampoline or nestle into their duvet.
As well as this, practice calming things to do. Tummy breathing is a really important skill to help us calm down.
Some great ways to try these activities and talk about our big emotions include:
- All Right? Sparklers – Tummy breathing
- All Right? Sparklers – Sliding emotions
Try ignoring harmless behaviour
If it does not hurt anyone or destroy anything, it may be better to ignore it. Making a fuss over undesirable behaviour can actually encourage it.
HealthInfo recommends the following pages
- Parent Help – Ages and stages
Information about what difficult behaviours are typical at different ages. Includes strategies for dealing with them.
- Real Parents – Tips for...
Advice for all age groups around what to expect and how to manage difficulties.
- Northland District Health Board – Whānau pack
Advice to parents of rangatahi (teenagers).
Written by HealthInfo clinical advisers. Last reviewed December 2024.
SourcesReview key: HIPPR-71581
