HealthInfo Piki Te Ora Southern
Looking after yourself when caring for someone who is dying
Te tiaki i a koe anō ina manaaki ana i tētahi e mate haere ana
Caring for someone who is dying can be a rewarding experience. But it can also be demanding and challenging.
Looking after yourself during this time is important. It is important to know how to get the help and support you need.
How you might feel
When someone close to you is dying, you are likely to experience a whole mix of feelings. These can include feeling sad, angry, helpless, anxious and fearful. You may also have a sense of relief that their suffering is ending.
These are all normal reactions. Let yourself experience what you are feeling at the time.
Many carers can feel physically and emotionally drained at times. For some, this can lead to feelings of depression.
It can be stressful coping with uncertainty in the last days of life. Try not to think too far ahead. Instead, focus on each day as it comes.
Sharing how you are feeling with someone you trust can help you cope.
Physical wellbeing
It is important to take time to look after your own health. Try to eat well and regularly.
Getting enough sleep is important but can be difficult. Sometimes, it might be possible to nap during the day or arrange for someone to share the care at night.
Do not stop doing your usual physical activities. Getting some physical activity most days can help your mood as well as your physical health.
Getting help
It is OK to ask for and accept help from whānau (family) and friends.
They may not offer help if they think you are coping. They might also be concerned they will be intruding or disturbing you. But being involved will make them feel they are contributing and supporting you.
Think of tasks that you can share, or others can take over, such as:
- staying with the person you care for so you can have a break
- doing household jobs such as cooking, cleaning, washing or shopping
- keeping other people updated.
Health professionals
There will be a range of people involved in the care of your loved one who are also there to help you.
This may include a hospital team, specialist hospice staff and a community team.
Your own general practice team or other health providers such as a social worker or counsellor can also help support you.
Community support
Use your local support networks such as your church, school or a sports or social club you belong to.
Some people find an organised support group helpful where you can share experiences with other people in similar situations.
You can find groups through The Cancer Society or your local hospice.
Getting a break
There may be times when you need to have a break. This is understandable, as being a carer can be very hard work.
While the person you are caring for may prefer you to stay with them full time, it is important to recognise when you need a break to recharge. Pushing yourself too far can cause harm to your health and your relationship with the person who is dying.
You may be able to arrange for someone else to come into the home for a few hours or days. This could be a friend or family member. Or it could be a carer from a community nursing agency.
The person you are caring for may be able to go to rest home or hospital for a short stay known as respite care.
Talk to your general practice team, district nurse or social worker if you need help organising carer support or respite care.
Financial Help
You may need to look at getting financial support to help in providing care.
If you are in paid work, it can be difficult to manage this at the same time as your carer role. You may need to talk with your employer about changing your working arrangements over this time.
HealthInfo recommends the following pages
- Carers NZ
Carers NZ provides information, advice, learning and support for New Zealand carers.
On the next page: Planning a funeral or memorial
Written by HealthInfo clinical advisers. Last reviewed July 2024.
SourcesReview key: HIWSD-76097
